Welcome! Read Me!

This blog is created to give you a central location to answer any questions you have about my current and upcoming treatments and reactions. It is also created to help me make Lemonade out of the Lemons I have been given, so I will keep this as positive as I can.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Forgetfulness- The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Is it "Chemo Brain" or is it something else in my brain that makes me forget how I feel after Chemo? I remember being Pregnant and having those "Happy Prego's" telling me how blissful their Pregnancies were and how they had forgotten any pain or discomfort that they had while Pregnant. I even had people tell me that they didn't remember any pain in a Medication Free Delivery. I don't see how that is even possible. Granted... My Pregnancies were never really pain free at any stage, but when my Epidural failed and I delivered Emma Medication Free I will tell you right now THAT HURT!!! And I will never forget that! Do some people ACTUALLY forget that stuff? Is there something in their brain that blocks out that memory?
Maybe I have that same thing in my brain for Chemo. Somehow I am still surprised when the Fatigue and Pain surfaces after Chemo. Maybe I subconsciously convince myself that each time it will be different and have hopes that different will mean less somehow. Like my body will be more used to it and will be able to handle it better... Some days I think I do, but other days I really wonder.
With this round it seemed to hit me harder at the start and I was knocked out and could likely have slept through a hurricane through my house. I had to take a stronger Anti-Nausea than I had in the past to cope at first as well. But I was really lucky and only had a few days of this and I was conscious by Christmas. Christmas Day was relaxing even though I didn't get any naps. I was able to simply hang out on the couch and watch the kids enjoy the festivities. It was great to have parents come to us to visit and share in the gifts and enjoyment of the holiday and allow me the ability to just lounge around in my jammies. That day also seemed to be "easy" in the Symptoms department. Then a couple days later I got the pain in my neck and back that always comes in because of my Neulasta Shot. Then comes the real "pain in my neck" that is hard to explain. It is a pain that seems to be just below the skin, and is almost like it feels like when you get a burn that is starting to heal, kinda tingly, and tender to to the touch. That doesn't really do it justice, but it is the best I can do. Maybe it is a "you have to be there" kinda thing. :) Once this stage passes it is just general soreness. Walking up a flight of stairs makes my legs feel like I had just run a 5K. Rolling over in bed makes me feel like I had been lifting weights all night. And any Extra exertion I do outside of the regular day to day makes me sore. And I have fairly consistent Hot Flashes. This is the stage I am in right now. I am mostly "normal" for most purposes, but could easily break out in a sweat in the 2 degree weather we have been having, and have to stop half way to where I am going to let my muscles have a little break. But these are minor inconveniences in the long run. And I only have to deal with them for 2 more treatments. I can't wait! So, if I am ever talking to you and you see beads of sweat dripping down my face don't worry I will be as cold as you in a couple minutes.
Even if I am having a "bad day" I actually look forward to going anywhere simply because I make myself feel better than I do. It is something I have done since High School Cross Country. I was told once that something that would help me increase my times as I was starting out is to never let anyone see you walk or see your weakness. So I take the same mentality when I leave the house to either go anywhere, Store, Work or Church. I put on the Brave Face and it makes me stronger than I think I am for those times. And I really am able to ignore any pains or issues for that short time. Sundays I always try to make it a point to get to church for that reason and because I feel like with all the blessings that I have been given by God that as long as I have enough strength to do so, it is the least I can do to spend those hours in church in order "pay it back" somehow.
I guess in some ways, I am glad that in my good weeks I am able to forget some of the issues and live in ignorant bliss for a time. Hopefully after my last treatment I am able to live in that same ignorant bliss for the rest of my life.


  1. You have a great "brave face" but I think you are doing very well with all of this anyway :)
    We all hope for the same thing for you!

  2. I'm trying to be like you and be able to put on a brave face while dealing with my chronic pain. I'm sure you are finding strength that you didn't know you had.

  3. Mel,
    I can't begin to tell you how much this post meant to me....actual tears of gratitude that I know you and can count you as my friend. Love you! Please let me know if I can do anything for you!